Have a baby with your girlfriend, and call it by my name: a letter to my Old Man Friend

Note: I wrote this late in the night, in response to a most recent correspondence from the Old Man Friend (OMF). And thought it best to wait until daylight, when my head cleared, to consider whether to post it. I decided yes. I have not yet decided whether to send it.

OMF –

I have debated back and forth whether to respond to your last brief message. The fact that I choose to is yet more proof that I am unhinged, but, um, I am sort of rolling with that theme. Why fight city hall? And it's late. And your brief letter is stuck in my craw, and I am somewhat angry, if I may be so expressive. So you'll forgive me, I trust, for what follows.

The thought of you weighs on me heavily. It does. It weighs on my mind and it weighs on my body. You know this. I have said this in every way I know how. More times than I can count. I have.

But.

No good can come of it.

I don't mean to moralize, but let's put it plainly.

There you are, OMF. And here I am. And as for you, carissimo, you can't have it both ways. You cannot be in two places at once. Also, um, newsflash: you have much at stake. In light of that, someone–one of us—has to man the fuck up and be reasonable. Given the circumstances it should really fall on you, but I will do it. I will lay it all out.

I refuse to engage you now. I want to, of course, I want to engage you completely, but as things are configured presently, it is not going to happen. I cannot engage you fully, and because I cannot, and this is what I want, I will not engage you at all.

We both know why, but I will remind you. I like reminders myself, because sometimes I forget. This is the reality: you have a girlfriend. In case you've forgotten, which surely you have not. A girlfriend. Who is a whole person. Who exists in all dimensions. She loves you. You love her. She wants you to put a baby in her, as my HEB manfriends would say.

And you say that you can't put me out of your head, but I promise you this: if you dedicate yourself fully to the task at hand, to making things work with your girlfriend, I will leave your head, eventually. I promise.

I will fade. And the sooner we stop contacting one another, the sooner I will fade. Because I am not there. You are there, and your girlfriend is there, and I am here. You need to be there. You need to see if you can make it work, see if you can make a life together, see if you really want to be with her, sans ou avec un kid. You need to be there. And there is no place for me, even the proposition of me. You know this. I know this.

I (singular) am here. You (singular, plural) are there.

It's simple geography. Geometry. Physics. and Linguistics.

Nothing can come of this, like this.

I will be more than happy to engage you, OMF, if and when it becomes appropriate. Right now, it is not. And I must not.

So make everyone happy: please, please make it work with your girlfriend, if this is what you so desire. But I beg you, leave me out of it. Buenos Aires out of it. Because it's ridiculous. It is offensive. It is disrespectful of your girlfriend, disrespectful of your relationship and it is disrespectful of me. You owe me nothing, not even basic decency, but you should demonstrate some care for this woman and what you share. It is emotionally reckless. It's a complete headfuck.

And it is dangerous, which is why it is so attractive, I think. I understand that, I have a lingering desire to put everything in danger. Maybe you do too. But not like this.

I am refusing. It is tempting, you are tempting, but to engage you like this is not the way I want to conduct my business. It is deeply unprincipled. It is also infuriating.

Because as things are configured presently, you hold all of the cards. And the cards are stacked. I am not playing that game. I will not give you that power. I will not give you the power to hurt me. I will not.

I refuse to stay at your periphery. That is not the place for me. And maybe your girlfriend will suffer herself to stay there, but she should not have to.

We have to let it go. At least for now. Please. Let's all just try for a moment to behave like emotionally responsible persons and forget about this. Commit to your girlfriend completely, if that's what you want, and get out, if it's not. Have a baby if feels right. Call it by my name, for all I care. Just, please, please, please leave me out of it.

Because this? This is a losing proposition for me. And I will be damned before I lose. Given the circumstances, there is nothing for me there; nothing for you, here. We can't do it. There is nothing to see here, caro. So let's forget it.