Note to Roommate

To My Beloved Roommate:

Last weekend was a horror show, to put it mildly.

In the future I will not run interference for you between your women, I don't care how much you beg, or how much you plead, or how much wine you ply me with. I am saying no. Categorically. Unequivocally. Now and forever.

Don't get it twisted.

I will lay it all out for you.

Yes you are a fabulous friend. You bought me a birthday cake when my idiot boyfriend failed to procure one. You drove my car back from Philadelphia when we visited my bffl--in the rain, lost, stuck in traffic in New Jersey, while I provided no directional guidance. You visited Tejas, in the middle of the summer, in the middle of a heat wave, for no reason at all, save to see me. In the middle of the summer. Knowing you would see me mere weeks later. It is also worth mentioning that you have cockblocked more times than I can count with respect to the aforementioned ex. You drove with me to his house and you waited for me outside his door/within his line of vision, dutifully, because you are just that awesome. And because you were the only person whose presence would have impacted my decisionmaking process in favor of reasoned and enlightened judgment. And because he was always a tad threatened by you.

But. As for les femmes, you are on your own.

I will break my ass for you in every other respect, but as far as the ladies are concerned, I have served my time. Is it not enough that I have to listen to the loud moans of your girlfriend coming multiples times weekly, when I am in the sexual desert? Is it not enough that you confide in me all manner of not-sought-out details regarding your sex life, your love life, your intentions, etc.? Is it not enough that I was punished for crimes I did not commit this weekend, by being thrust in the twisted admixture of your relationship and nonrelationship problem(s)?

Yes, dear. I think it is enough.

You heard it here first.